“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
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date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.