[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
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Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA