Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
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My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.