BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
You Might Also Like
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…