Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
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the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.