Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
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In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
Me My dog
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*