Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
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HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
Breaking news:
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
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Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
My dress code is business-casualty.