they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
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Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself