I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
You Might Also Like
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”