If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
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My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs