In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
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Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”
-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no varietyExclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”
-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
🙅🏻
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle