[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plotSon: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!
Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol
Son: So is it this switch here or
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Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
#Caturday
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install