My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
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MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
OH. COME. ON.
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.