The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
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girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
Thrilling chase underway
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
ATMs should have breathalyzers
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack