[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
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Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
Yep.
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.