Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
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* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
my dog: LEMME OUT
me: you gonna bark?
dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT
me: what things?
dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT
me: you don’t need to bark at the wind
dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her