Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
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One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
bad
worse
worst
worchester
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED