I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
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So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
where do you see yourself in five years?
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”