Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
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Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood