[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
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In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
Living the best life.. 😊
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him