valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
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“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
But I really needed water water water
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
The way time stretches between the moment you put your hands under the air dryer and the realisation it is in fact a paper towel dispenser.
[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.