You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
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If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”
Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky