[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
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GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.