hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
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Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
Social distancing in Australia:
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick