Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
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I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
Yep.
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.