At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
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[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.