i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
You Might Also Like
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
Called it
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
T
h
a
a
a
t
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.