the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
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Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”