Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
You Might Also Like
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
Software Development ⛵️
love pickles so much i put myself in one
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
Do one person every day that scares you.
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.