When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
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I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*