{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
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He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:
Hi, what is the price of something…flowery? Yes, I’d like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? No….just something floral….like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. 🥴
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
A ghost story
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie