Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
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Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
u spoke cat all this time??????
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
I saw a commercial for the movie The Exorcism and I’m jealous of that devil’s spine crack.
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too