I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
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playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
What
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE