When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
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-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.
6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.
Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.
6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants