Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
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If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
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There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.