50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
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George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.