Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
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periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?