[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
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Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???