Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
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Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
#Caturday
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.