If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
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*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
Jail
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
lmfao come on
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.