[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
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[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
sugar glider wrangler
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
Bloody internet 😳