I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
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One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels