If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
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Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom