After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
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X-tra spooky blend
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug
Auto correct is my worst enema.
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys