I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
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We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
Good boy 😂😂
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”