wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
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Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
we did it you guys we saved daylight
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
Breaking news:
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
I’m so full I could puke a horse
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go