Gods work.
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My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
I’d rather fork than spoon.
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
“After seeing the way these common processed foods are made, you’ll never want to eat them again!”
I ate grass when I was little because I thought I was a horse. I guarantee you my care of what goes into my body is much lower than you give me credit for.
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.