If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
You Might Also Like
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava