me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
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To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
choose your gary
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs
SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail
NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug
SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?
NOAH:
SLUG:
NOAH: karaoke’s at 7
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock