“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
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Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?